My tv shows and prayer

Last Wednesday, I just started a bible study at my church. The book is about prayer by Elisabeth george. I just got finished reading the second chapter for next week. The chapter title is 10 reasons why women don't pray. She gives the first 3 reasons which are worldiness, busyness, and foolishness. These first 3 screamed out my name! I feel recently that God has been convicting me of the tv shows Cyrus and I watch and how much time we watch them. Most of you know that I am a very opinionated person especially when my emotions are involved. Now I know this will sound weird but I really get involved in my tv shows. I remember the first time I got real upset at the tv was when my family and I were watching Survivor, the reality show. It was the finale and there was this deceptive man who won and clearly did not deserve it at all. Let's say he certainty played by the typical reality show rules. I got so mad where I started to yell at the tv. Yes I know really lame and embarrassing : /. Cyrus and I also recently watched this show called criminal minds. It was a good show but just way to dark where one night I had these really fleshy dreams. I felt evil! I mean my heart is definitely desperately wicked. So we quit decided to quit watching it. Last night we are watched 24, the last and final season. Boy this show always gets better every season. Good thing it's over! But once again of course I was yelling at the tv calling this one girl a whore and everything else I thought of at that time. I will confess at that time God put some thoughts into my head. "Kristina this is certainty bringing the worse out of u. Is it worth it?" I even dreamt about it. Is it really worth watching these shows where my mind is so invested in them? Not really... But I will confess, my flesh really likes it. I don't want to give it up but I really want my life to follow Christ. I have fears too. Like what is Cyrus going to say about it? I mean we always eat in front of the tv. What if he does not like the idea? I mean when we watch tv it is like this source of relaxation, a way to escape the world for a few hours. But then how important is my relationship with God especially if this means having more time to pray or get a new hobbie? I know this sounds dumb but it is actually this pleasure thing. But I am going to make the step. So please pray for me and most importantly pray that God can be glorified in this.

He wants my time!!

This past week has been very busy for me since I have decided to be more content and soak in every moment. I went to a child abuse training at my church so I can start getting involved on Monday. It was very informing and made me see the importance of communication with the people you work with when it comes to the safety of the kids. I did not get back till 9:00 at night. Tuesday, I went over to my in laws house to spend some time with my mother in law. We decided that we will meet every Tuesday where I learn more about cooking and gardening and those wifey things. I also just started a BIble study at my church on Wednesdays. I got talking to a very nice lady and did not leave till 8:40 and got home at 9:15 after grabbing something at Wendys. Tonight will be the first time where Cyrus and I will have nothing to do. God also have answered my prayers concerning changing my hours at work so I wont be so tired and so I could get more involved. Starting tomorrow, I get to sleep in and work 10 til closing. On saturday, I get to go out and have coffee with my supervisor at work. SO like I said I have been very busy.
But this morning during my quiet time, I began to feel negative. Even though I get to sleep in and still give Cyrus his break, I will confess that closing will take sometime to adjust. It will move my time up with my mother in law and it feels like my day is all gone. But then I begin to think. This is what I want: to live each moment as it comes along. That means having to realize that my life, my time is not mine and its about glorifying God. It is funny how God reminded me of that this Sunday at church.

 But Jesus answered them, saying, “The hour has come that the Son of Man should be glorified. Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain. He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves Me, let him follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also. If anyone serves Me, him My Father will honor. John 12:23-26

I really can be selfish with my time and worry that I will never have time for myself or even my husband. But He calls us to lose our life and follow Him. I then was remembered a passage that I have been trying to memorize.

 Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
 Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
 Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass.
 He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, And your justice as the noonday.
 Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
 Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.
 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; Do not fret—it only causes harm.  Psalm 37:3-8

Its "easy" for us to do good but we will always loose heart when doing good and not trusting in the Lord. I dont need to worry about my time because if I am trusting God to know He will work things out while spending time with my mother in law or with my husband, that there will be enough time for me. Verse 4 is states it well. I need to delight myself in the Lord and He will give me the desires of my heart. He already showed me that with giving me later hours. In order to trust in the Lord and do good, I have to dwell in His land of faithfulness and He certainity has been faithful.

So we will see how next week goes because I will once again be busy all the way to Thursday night just like this week. But you know what I dont need to worry about that because I still have right now in the trailer with my husband before I go home and make dinner : )

New Year Resolution

Ok first of all, I know this is a little late, but I thought this was appropriate for me rejoining my blog I have abandoned. Now I am not a huge fan of resolutions but this one seems applicable for where I am in life with my relationship with Christ. This year I want to meditate on, by the grace of God, to focus on what God gives to me at this moment right here right now. I know that in the past few months, I have been struggling alot with where God has me currently in my life. I want more. I have always been a person who wanted what was next in life. When I was in high school, I just wanted to graduate. After graduation and having been in college for awhile, I thought it was the best that I would meet "the one" who I was to marry. I then graduated and went to Camfel where I did meet my husband. We got married and things were rocky at first but became alot better when God revealed who I truly was in Him. Now being married for 3 years and things are going pretty well, I am wanting to have a baby. "MAN will I ever be happy?" is a common thought I strugle with. Always wanting something more. Always wanting the next thing in life. Always comparing myself with others. When will I finally "get it"? I have currently started to read a book called, "The Resolution for Women" by Priscilla Shirer. It is based off of the resolution for the men in the movie Courageous. The first sections is about being content. I read the first section fast at first but then realized that I was even being discontent while reading it, wanting it to be different. So I reread it. In the first chapter, she wrote about a time she had with a friend on her birthday. Her friend recalled how the year when she turned 36 and how it was a good year. She was able to name off abunch of good times she had. Priscilla, on the other hand, realized at that moment how much she missed out in life. She could recall some good times but did she soak them in and enjoy it? I began to think the same thing. I am a person of structure. I wake up every morning doing the same routine over and over again. But what am I missing when I continue on my way thinking about what is going to happen next or later on that day? I could be missing a time I could be spending with my husband, reading to him or just giving him a good backrub. Also, recently, during my quiet time, I have been really meditating on God's Faithfulness through His mercy and truth in the good and the bad times. For example this last Friday, at 4:30 in the morning, I began to think about the day before and how good it really was. Since Cyrus closed the business for a few days, I did not have to go there after work like I always did but had tons of free time on my hands to spend with hime. It was a really good feeling to do want I enjoyed to do with my husband and later on with my in laws. Then God put a thought into my head. "Kristina, I know what you need at this time with your busy schedule. If you had a baby, would you be able to do what you did yesterday? Trust in me to know that I have a perfect timing for everything. Focus on what you have right now in your life." I have my husband and his business. I have a job with abunch of amazing ladies to work with and to encourage as they teach the little ones there. I also have my mother in law who I need to get to know better. I will also be starting a Bible study at the church. God showed me at that time that there are still things that need to be done now. So I just continue on making myself focus on the moment at hand and soaking it in, knowing this is where He has me, knowing He sees the bigger picture. I am excited to see what He will do with me this year and the people around me He has put into my life. : )

God's grace in my unsettled world

The past week has been emotionally up and down for Cyrus and I both. Too much is going on and I am struggling not to get sick. Most of the days I would spend my time with God frustrated wishing that I could just feel His peace. I would sometimes say," I am doing my part coming to You, why do I not feel anything?" Yeah I know I have always heard that we cannot expect immediate results but just know and have faith that God is working in the situation. But it is hard when all I have in me is the bubbling pool of emotions overflowing in my soul and mind. As I always tend to do in these state of mind, I begin (slowly) to search out what is right and take it easy. What I discover at that moment among the bubbling emotions (and of course already know this too) that God gives me enough strength to make it through the day. It is like this sea of understanding comes over me where I feel my mind begins to clear up and things make more sense when I read God's word. For example, I have been reading Paul's letters. I have read 1 and 2 Corinthians and now is starting to read Romans. The first chapter of course is abunch of juicy details of who we truly are.

"For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, 19 because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. 20 For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, 21 because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22 Professing to be wise, they became fools, 23 and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man—and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things."

As humans, this is who we are. Deep down inside all this sin and pride dwells in us. God has shown Himself to us in soooo many different ways but because of our sin we push God aside. He isn't our top priority. We let other things that at that moment make us either feel angry or overly happy our God. As I see at work here with the teens, they see only what is in front of them at this moment. If it makes me feel good, bring on! It is called selfishness and it is even in my own life.

So what does this have to do with what I said above? When I approach God in my emotional mess all I think about is myself or control. I want to feel better now. I want to see the results now. I am demanding my way and letting my heart be darkened by my sin. But in the past 2 days, after really pondering on Romans 1 and my sinful state and emotion mess, I am started to pray (and repent for my pride)that when I am in my overwhelming emotional state that instead of trying to control the outcome and "doing my part", I should just accept what is at hand and know He is working in me. Like seriously verbally out loud to Him sharing my desire for Him to be in control. We will see how that goes.

My Unsettled World

This blog I wrote on April 10 that I really wanted to post on here. Too much has not changed since this blog. It should though be a reminder to me : )


I am currently in the house with no boys and really in a pondering mood. I think it has alot to do with how unsettling life is right now. I am thinking of new ways to be more creative with the guys and my job and knowing that I could be here for another summer. I want to try to do things differently going the extra mile. For example, maybe take a guy out for everyday of the week and spend one on one time with them. Or maybe take a pic every single day for this summer. I dont know. My only hope is that my current mood is not my human efforts to try to make me feel happy and content but really trying to give my life completely to what I am doing right now at this moment which is being a "mom" for 6 guys. I just want to glorify God but the past few days have been hard just with the changes at hand. Hehe. sorry I am being very vague. Let me give u a small pic in my chaotic world.
First, Cyrus and I have been praying about our future and what that details. It is going to be interesting to see what happens but it is very much on our mind. Also at Boys Cottage, we have recently taken apart our kitchen where we r redoing our floor and cabinets and rearranging the stove and frig and all those major things in the kitchen. It has been already almost 2 weeks coming this Monday. The floor is done but nothing else has been finished and this week was a dead week. Because of this 3 of our 6 guys have been REALLY moody which only add to the stress. I am also thinking about the summer and what I will be doing there if we will still be here and what it will be like since there is no coordinator to set things up for the kids to do. I have been through 2 summers already and yeah they r rough. Around the guys for 24 hours and 6 days a week. No breaks like the school days. so the is as much as I can sum up. But the one thing that always remains standing by is that God is in control. That is easy to say but truly what does that mean and how does that play out in a restless human mind. I dont know. I think I want to know and I believe the past few months God has been showing me what that means but as humans as we all know life always seems to come up and bite us in the butt. My only reaction is how I TRULY just want to make God first. I was reading Psalm 62 this morning and it was amazing. Here is Psalm 62 to look at:
1 Truly my soul silently waits for God;
From Him comes my salvation.
2 He only is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be greatly moved.
3 How long will you attack a man?
You shall be slain, all of you,
Like a leaning wall and a tottering fence.
4 They only consult to cast him down from his high position;
They delight in lies;
They bless with their mouth,
But they curse inwardly. Selah
5 My soul, wait silently for God alone,
For my expectation is from Him.
6 He only is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be moved.
7 In God is my salvation and my glory;
The rock of my strength,
And my refuge, is in God.
8 Trust in Him at all times, you people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah
9 Surely men of low degree are a vapor,
Men of high degree are a lie;
If they are weighed on the scales,
They are altogether lighter than vapor.
10 Do not trust in oppression,
Nor vainly hope in robbery;
If riches increase,
Do not set your heart on them.
11 God has spoken once,
Twice I have heard this:
That power belongs to God.
12 Also to You, O Lord, belongs mercy;
For You render to each one according to his work.

David first starts out by saying that his soul TRULY silently waits for God. Also throughout the psalm he states that in his soul he knows that God is his salvation, rock, defense and rescue. In verse 3, he addresses his tormentors knowing that God is on his side and they r only weak and in verse 10 they cannot be trusted. Verse 8 David tells us to trust in God and than first 11 twice he tells us that the power belongs to God.
So an application for myself is that I feel like that since I am a Christian and I want and desire to walk in the Spirit that my soul TRULY does want to wait on God especially SILENTLY. I feel most days r where it seems like I am struggling because of my up and down moods. But I do believe that silently my soul yearns to wait on God. And my torments is not flesh blood as states in Eph 6 but is my emotions, my worries, my desire of wanting to control. Those r my tormentors. Those r the ones that I can give to God and say "Oh God can handle u!" All I need to do is trust in God and know that the power belongs to Him.
Thanks for always reading my note. I just continue to ask if u guys can just continue to pray for Cyrus and I as we go through this time. Let us draw near to our Lord and not ourselves.

More Verses

John 12:40-41
“ He has blinded their eyes and hardened their hearts,
Lest they should see with their eyes,
Lest they should understand with their hearts and turn,
So that I should heal them."
These things Isaiah said when he saw His glory and spoke of Him.

God hardens our hearts when He is going to show His glory vs we just harden our hearts because of our sin nature and pride.

Romans 9:15-18
For He says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whomever I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whomever I will have compassion.” So then it is not of him who wills, nor of him who runs, but of God who shows mercy. For the Scripture says to the Pharaoh, “For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I may show My power in you, and that My name may be declared in all the earth.” Therefore He has mercy on whom He wills, and whom He wills He hardens.

My Thoughts and verses

Countless scripture tell us of our inability to do anything that is of Christ. But God loves us so much that He does not want anyone to perish or go to hell. He beckons everyone to come to Him through people, through His word, through General Revelation, through creation, and what He does through our life experiences. As humans, we have the choice to accept it or be prideful and say NO. God knows who will say yes and who will say NO but still beckoning everyone.

I also found more verses
1 Cor 12:3
Therefore I make known to you that no one speaking by the Spirit of God calls Jesus accursed, and no one can say that Jesus is Lord except by the Holy Spirit.

I know how this scripture is used to show or tell that there were people misleading the Corinth church but it shows that if we are a Christian, we would not curse God and that the Holy Spirit helps us to recognizes who God is.

Ps 95:7b-11
Today, if you will hear His voice:
“Do not harden your hearts, as in the rebellion,
As in the day of trial in the wilderness,
When your fathers tested Me;
They tried Me, though they saw My work.
For forty years I was grieved with that generation,
And said, ‘It is a people who go astray in their hearts,
And they do not know My ways.’
So I swore in My wrath,
‘They shall not enter My rest.’ ”

Israel did not trust God and fell away and hardened their hearts even after all God did for them. God was definitely sad. He disciplines them by not seeing the Promise Land, but He also knew that at the end He would be glorified so we have a choice to ignore His voice and hardened our hearts or to listen to what He is saying to us and shows us.