Thursday, December 26, 2013

Trusting the God of Psalm 139

Well as probably as most of you know, I am pregnant. Kinda crazy. Just got off birth control and 2nd month got pregnant. Not at all what I expected especially being on it for 5 years. I am not the one in control. It has been interesting and kinda excited to see how God has been showing that to me.

My pregnancy was a 5 year anniversary gift. Kinda cool it happen that way. : ) I confirmed it at a women's clinic here in town and set up an appointment on the 5th of December. That was 3 weeks away but Cyrus and I have not heard anything good from the hospital here in town so I found another place. But this appointment was on the 13th of December. I was kinda annoyed I had to wait longer. I would be 9 weeks at that time. So for 4 weeks, I worked myself, waiting, anticipating this appointment. I was expecting to see my baby and see its heartbeat since everyone else says they had an ultrasound their first appointment. I was expecting the midwife to be excited and engaged. I put my ALL into this for 4 weeks. Life was put on hold, just waiting for this appointment.

Well the big day came and I did not get around for Cyrus to sign some papers for some tests. So that morning I asked him to sign them and he said he did not know any of these tests and needed to look at them. Yeah I know not smart waiting at the last minute. So all morning long I thought about the tests and how maybe I should take them especially the unnecessary ones like seeing if I have HIV. It was a wreck getting to my appointment.

On my way to the appointment, I got a call from the midiwfe asking if I was on my way because her other apppointment just left and she thought we would start earlier. I was on my way. So when I got there and I gave all my paperwork and info to the secretary and sat down. I got called in and took my weight and height. Then I talked to the midwife as she looked over my paperwork, inputing it in the computer. The computer was attached to her hip. She just asked me questions based off of what she saw and told me a little about the tests. We then went into the exam room where she warned me over and over that she did not know how to use the older ultrasound machines and not sure what will happen. So I lay down and she checks and prods and probs and cannot find anything at all. She then quits and lets me change. I did not know how to feel. I wanted to cry but did not want to there in the exam room. She comes back and tells me things I already knew and asked if I had any questions. She also said that I could set up another appointment somewhere better to have an ultrasound done. I said yes of course and had one set up with the secretary for the following Monday at 845 in the morning. I was then sent on my way to get my bloodwork done at a different place.

I went to go see Cyrus and told him. He was sad for me. I was feeling somewhat at peace knowing I had another appointment and Cyrus could be there too. That is why it happen, right? I then called my mom but I really was not at peace at all. I was grumpy and felt annoyed with the midwife. Yes it was not her fault but it was still very disappointing.

So that weekend was horrible. I felt disconnected and just sooooo sad. Very sad. Did not sleep very well. I did not want to be angry at the midwife at the hospital but I was not happy. All I could do was just draw near to God but even that was hard. But He still remain faithful and drew near to me. By Sunday, God's real peace started to cover me. I looked at the prices of ultrasounds and knew that I was not going to have the ultrasound done on Monday. But I was ok with that. God made it ok for me. I went to my appointment on Monday, hoping they would have compassion on me but knowing it was not going to happen that way. I was correct. 1700 dollars is not worth it even if the midwife did not know how to use the machine. But I was at peace : )

All during the next week, God made me see that I was putting my trust into a machine instead of Him, the God of Psalm 139. Boy did it make a difference. I was more excited about Christmas and my Christmas present ideas for Cyrus and the actual meaning of Christmas. Last Friday, we decided to just tell everyone on Facebook even though I was only 10 weeks at the time. Yeah, I know I have no idea how the baby is or if the heartbeat is fine. I am just pregnant! I do know that much : ) While everyone else waits for the ultrasound or to hear the heartbeat and being at 12 weeks, I chose not to wait. God is in control. I mean what is even more funny was that my mom told Grandma who has dementia thinking she would forget but instead she called everyone she knew. So besides a few close friends, alot of people already knew. So it has been pointless. But God has been faithful. He is the God who knows my sitting down and my rising up. He knows my thoughts afar off. Even when I am down or hormonally off balanced, He is there. He knows all my days and all the days of my little one. My life and the life of my little one is in His hands.

One more thing before I close, something God has been placing on my heart. He is the ultimate ultrasound. If He wants me to know something, He will let me know. I mean for example, God told Abraham 3 times he was going to have a son. A year before Sarah was to have Isaac, God told her. The cool one of course is Rebekah. Her pregnancy was uncertain because of the strong movement in her womb. So she inquired onto the Lord and He answered and said she will be having twins. Then there is of course Elizabeth when the angel came to John. You are going to have a boy and name him John. The same with Mary and Joseph. You are going to have a boy and your going to name Him Jesus. God had a purpose on why He told these people that they were going to be pregnant. Abraham and Sarah, to show He was a God who kept His covenant, a faithful God. To Rebekah. Because she inquired of the Lord. John and Elizabeth because they kept the law close and their hearts were align to it. They were blessed to be the parents of the one to tell of the coming Messiah. For Mary of course because she was highly favored and had the most important role. to carry Christ. Amazing! God was glorfied in all those situations. So I am watching as He continues to be glorfied in my own life.

For those who pray for me, I still dont know if I want a midwife at home or deliever at the hospital. I again have to wait until I am 14 weeks. But this time my prayer is to trust in HIm and not hoping to hear or see something : )    
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