Monday, April 26, 2010

God's grace in my unsettled world

The past week has been emotionally up and down for Cyrus and I both. Too much is going on and I am struggling not to get sick. Most of the days I would spend my time with God frustrated wishing that I could just feel His peace. I would sometimes say," I am doing my part coming to You, why do I not feel anything?" Yeah I know I have always heard that we cannot expect immediate results but just know and have faith that God is working in the situation. But it is hard when all I have in me is the bubbling pool of emotions overflowing in my soul and mind. As I always tend to do in these state of mind, I begin (slowly) to search out what is right and take it easy. What I discover at that moment among the bubbling emotions (and of course already know this too) that God gives me enough strength to make it through the day. It is like this sea of understanding comes over me where I feel my mind begins to clear up and things make more sense when I read God's word. For example, I have been reading Paul's letters. I have read 1 and 2 Corinthians and now is starting to read Romans. The first chapter of course is abunch of juicy details of who we truly are.

"For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, 19 because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. 20 For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, 21 because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22 Professing to be wise, they became fools, 23 and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man—and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things."

As humans, this is who we are. Deep down inside all this sin and pride dwells in us. God has shown Himself to us in soooo many different ways but because of our sin we push God aside. He isn't our top priority. We let other things that at that moment make us either feel angry or overly happy our God. As I see at work here with the teens, they see only what is in front of them at this moment. If it makes me feel good, bring on! It is called selfishness and it is even in my own life.

So what does this have to do with what I said above? When I approach God in my emotional mess all I think about is myself or control. I want to feel better now. I want to see the results now. I am demanding my way and letting my heart be darkened by my sin. But in the past 2 days, after really pondering on Romans 1 and my sinful state and emotion mess, I am started to pray (and repent for my pride)that when I am in my overwhelming emotional state that instead of trying to control the outcome and "doing my part", I should just accept what is at hand and know He is working in me. Like seriously verbally out loud to Him sharing my desire for Him to be in control. We will see how that goes.

Friday, April 23, 2010

My Unsettled World

This blog I wrote on April 10 that I really wanted to post on here. Too much has not changed since this blog. It should though be a reminder to me : )

I am currently in the house with no boys and really in a pondering mood. I think it has alot to do with how unsettling life is right now. I am thinking of new ways to be more creative with the guys and my job and knowing that I could be here for another summer. I want to try to do things differently going the extra mile. For example, maybe take a guy out for everyday of the week and spend one on one time with them. Or maybe take a pic every single day for this summer. I dont know. My only hope is that my current mood is not my human efforts to try to make me feel happy and content but really trying to give my life completely to what I am doing right now at this moment which is being a "mom" for 6 guys. I just want to glorify God but the past few days have been hard just with the changes at hand. Hehe. sorry I am being very vague. Let me give u a small pic in my chaotic world.
First, Cyrus and I have been praying about our future and what that details. It is going to be interesting to see what happens but it is very much on our mind. Also at Boys Cottage, we have recently taken apart our kitchen where we r redoing our floor and cabinets and rearranging the stove and frig and all those major things in the kitchen. It has been already almost 2 weeks coming this Monday. The floor is done but nothing else has been finished and this week was a dead week. Because of this 3 of our 6 guys have been REALLY moody which only add to the stress. I am also thinking about the summer and what I will be doing there if we will still be here and what it will be like since there is no coordinator to set things up for the kids to do. I have been through 2 summers already and yeah they r rough. Around the guys for 24 hours and 6 days a week. No breaks like the school days. so the is as much as I can sum up. But the one thing that always remains standing by is that God is in control. That is easy to say but truly what does that mean and how does that play out in a restless human mind. I dont know. I think I want to know and I believe the past few months God has been showing me what that means but as humans as we all know life always seems to come up and bite us in the butt. My only reaction is how I TRULY just want to make God first. I was reading Psalm 62 this morning and it was amazing. Here is Psalm 62 to look at:
1 Truly my soul silently waits for God;
From Him comes my salvation.
2 He only is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be greatly moved.
3 How long will you attack a man?
You shall be slain, all of you,
Like a leaning wall and a tottering fence.
4 They only consult to cast him down from his high position;
They delight in lies;
They bless with their mouth,
But they curse inwardly. Selah
5 My soul, wait silently for God alone,
For my expectation is from Him.
6 He only is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be moved.
7 In God is my salvation and my glory;
The rock of my strength,
And my refuge, is in God.
8 Trust in Him at all times, you people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah
9 Surely men of low degree are a vapor,
Men of high degree are a lie;
If they are weighed on the scales,
They are altogether lighter than vapor.
10 Do not trust in oppression,
Nor vainly hope in robbery;
If riches increase,
Do not set your heart on them.
11 God has spoken once,
Twice I have heard this:
That power belongs to God.
12 Also to You, O Lord, belongs mercy;
For You render to each one according to his work.

David first starts out by saying that his soul TRULY silently waits for God. Also throughout the psalm he states that in his soul he knows that God is his salvation, rock, defense and rescue. In verse 3, he addresses his tormentors knowing that God is on his side and they r only weak and in verse 10 they cannot be trusted. Verse 8 David tells us to trust in God and than first 11 twice he tells us that the power belongs to God.
So an application for myself is that I feel like that since I am a Christian and I want and desire to walk in the Spirit that my soul TRULY does want to wait on God especially SILENTLY. I feel most days r where it seems like I am struggling because of my up and down moods. But I do believe that silently my soul yearns to wait on God. And my torments is not flesh blood as states in Eph 6 but is my emotions, my worries, my desire of wanting to control. Those r my tormentors. Those r the ones that I can give to God and say "Oh God can handle u!" All I need to do is trust in God and know that the power belongs to Him.
Thanks for always reading my note. I just continue to ask if u guys can just continue to pray for Cyrus and I as we go through this time. Let us draw near to our Lord and not ourselves.
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