The past week has been emotionally up and down for Cyrus and I both. Too much is going on and I am struggling not to get sick. Most of the days I would spend my time with God frustrated wishing that I could just feel His peace. I would sometimes say," I am doing my part coming to You, why do I not feel anything?" Yeah I know I have always heard that we cannot expect immediate results but just know and have faith that God is working in the situation. But it is hard when all I have in me is the bubbling pool of emotions overflowing in my soul and mind. As I always tend to do in these state of mind, I begin (slowly) to search out what is right and take it easy. What I discover at that moment among the bubbling emotions (and of course already know this too) that God gives me enough strength to make it through the day. It is like this sea of understanding comes over me where I feel my mind begins to clear up and things make more sense when I read God's word. For example, I have been reading Paul's letters. I have read 1 and 2 Corinthians and now is starting to read Romans. The first chapter of course is abunch of juicy details of who we truly are.
"For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, 19 because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. 20 For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, 21 because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22 Professing to be wise, they became fools, 23 and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man—and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things."
As humans, this is who we are. Deep down inside all this sin and pride dwells in us. God has shown Himself to us in soooo many different ways but because of our sin we push God aside. He isn't our top priority. We let other things that at that moment make us either feel angry or overly happy our God. As I see at work here with the teens, they see only what is in front of them at this moment. If it makes me feel good, bring on! It is called selfishness and it is even in my own life.
So what does this have to do with what I said above? When I approach God in my emotional mess all I think about is myself or control. I want to feel better now. I want to see the results now. I am demanding my way and letting my heart be darkened by my sin. But in the past 2 days, after really pondering on Romans 1 and my sinful state and emotion mess, I am started to pray (and repent for my pride)that when I am in my overwhelming emotional state that instead of trying to control the outcome and "doing my part", I should just accept what is at hand and know He is working in me. Like seriously verbally out loud to Him sharing my desire for Him to be in control. We will see how that goes.
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