When it is Hard to Forgive Yourself

So I am very selfish with my time. I am naturally an introvert where being by myself refuels me in order to be around other people. So I hold onto my time probably a little bit too tightly.

This last Friday the little one and I spent most of the day with my mother in law at this cute little environmental hands on center for kids. It was fun seeing the little one running around looking at the birds of prey, turtles (since we use to have one and she knew what it was), and the nasty snakes. It was enjoying to get out for the day. But by the end of our time, I was tired and ready to go home and put the little one in her crib even if she didn't fall asleep. She is pretty good about that which makes me very spoil.

We get home and she was so wound up that even simply putting her in the crib was hard. I told her that she could read her books and just sit in the crib. Well she didn't like that idea and cried loudly for 15 minutes. I was already at the point of exhaustion from the busy week and day and a storm of emotions and frustrations were brewing inside of me. I grabbed my Bible since I wanted to work on my Hello Morning devotion and stormed into her room telling her that mommy was going to read her Bible and she could read hers. Of course as any 2 year old and from the countless times before, she wanted me to read to her. I just grew more frustrated trying to ignore her. But she kept on bothering me. So I left the room in a huff as she started to cry which made me more annoyed. I went to my room and with strong force pressed hard on my bedroom wall. To my surprise I made an indent in the wall. This was not the first time I have done this. My spirit fell and I felt like dirt. Thoughts came pouring into my head, "You haven't done this in such a long time. Why did you have to get so mad? Why cant you let go of time? I will never be a good mom. Maybe I can't have a second one because there will be no time." I was completely exasperated with myself but still very much tired and wanting to be by myself.

I went to go get my little one and picked up her Bible and placed it on my bed next to my own Bible. The rest of the time I just laid there as she played until her daddy came home. But the rest of the evening the feelings of failure lingered. 

At night before bed I read my Bible just to try to readjust my mood. It helped but I still went to bed tired and slightly annoyed.

The next morning I continue to draw near to God. One of the verses from my when I feel like a failure list and my When You feel Down and Out blog post came to my mind (No I am not trying to make you read my other blog posts. I seriously do go back to my posts every now and then because I write these based off of what I struggle with.). And this is what I got from the one verse in Psalm 86:5

 For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive,
And abundant in mercy to all those who call upon You.

"...to all those who call upon You." is the act of humbly approaching God in our sinfulness. I could have continued on being angry and ignoring my little one but through the help of the Holy Spirit, He convicted my heart and soften it. When our hearts are soften, we are telling God we are sorry. Our hearts our open to His love and forgiveness. 

"...You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive, And abundant in mercy.." is who is there with open arms when we humbly call upon Him. The amazing part of it all is that, that is who He is. It isn't because we humbled ourselves. It isn't because we call upon Him. It is who He is. It is who He is because of what Jesus did on the cross. Jesus dying made it possible for us to be convicted of our sins, to receive forgiveness, and to be able to step forward without any condemnation. 

I then continued on reading my Down and Out post reminding myself that because I am forgiven because of what Jesus did, I need to remember that I am being sanctified and that I need to quit being so hard on myself.  

Linking up with Jennifer #tellhisstory, Holley Coffee for your Heart and Jo Thankful Thursday